Ask Coach Amy Questions and Answers

Q:  How can I tell if I've found the right one?
A:  Nancy is 38 and has been dating Barry for a year now and is wondering if he is the one for her. She would like to be married with a family and is starting to think about if she should break up with Barry. My advice is that if she isn’t sure, then it is not right. This is why. Of the couples I have interviewed, they expressed having these signs about their mates they married:

1. There is a feeling of “home”.

There is a sense of comfort, and a familiarity. The word recognition comes up as knowing that this person is the one. It’s like you have known the person your whole life. It’s so easy to talk to one another.

2. There is a Flow.

The relationship has ease. The couples finish each other’s sentences. Time just flies when you are with the right person. Yes, relationships take work, but this is joyous work. The concept of flow is true for both in and out of the bedroom!

3. You are able to laugh together and have fun.

You enjoy being with each other and get each other’s jokes. You may not have exactly the same humor, but you at least crack a smile. My husband and I both blew straw wrappings at each other like kids! It’s okay to be silly with this person. The couple has fun doing activities together and has some similar interests.

4. You are each other’s best friend.

There is a sense of trust and loyalty. You are know your partner will be there for you through thick and thin and can be counted on. You want to share everything with this person- the good and the bad stuff. You are always excited to see that person walk in the door.

5. You both act in a “we” way rather than a “me” way.

The couple makes decisions that the benefit the relationship instead of only the individual. You share life goals and work together towards them together. You care about how your actions affect the other.

When all these signs are in place, then it is natural to want to take the next step towards marriage. The only things that would stop the progress in a relationship would be one or both of their internal fears and external circumstances.

When Nancy realized that several of these signs were missing in her current relationship, she became clear that she needed to move on and find someone better suited to her rather than hoping that things would change in her present situation. This wasn’t the easy path, but she was determined not to settle for anything less.

Q:  I want to make a good impression on my date by surprising her with a gift, but we just started dating and I'm not sure what to give.  Any suggestions?
A:  It's always a quandary when you have to buy a gift for the special woman in your life. It's especially hard when you just started dating and you want to make a good impression. For many women, gifts are a make or break situation. I remember getting a very unromantic gift from a boyfriend of 8 months for my birthday. In the end, this did have a part in my decision to break up with this man. Whether it is Valentine's Day, Christmas, or her birthday, an appropriate gift would be expected by the woman in your life. Here are some guidelines to help you make your purchase decisions a bit easier:

Dating exclusively for 3 months or less:

Don't Give:
* A woman a CD player unless specifically requested by the woman
* An IPOD - it's too expensive and what if you break up soon afterwards?
* Expensive jewelry such as diamonds or 14 K gold (See above!)
* Perfume - unless you know her favorite fragrance
* Nothing that works in the kitchen!
* Sexy lingerie - "Is that all you are interested in?" she'll think
* Chocolates if she is on a diet!

Do Give:
* Reasonable jewelry such as sterling silver and semi-precious stones
* A pretty watch for about $50
* An article of clothing you know she likes because she hinted at it several times when you pass the store!
* A CD of her favorite music
* Tickets to her favorite concert or show
* Her favorite flowers with a small gift. (Flowers die and then what is she left with?)

Dating exclusively for over three months:

Don't Give:
* Unromantic gifts such as kitchen appliances!
* Anything that requires assembly unless you can put it together such as a piece of furniture she's been dying for.
* Electronic gifts that she has to figure out on her own to use!
* Anything too expensive. Who knows if the relationship will last!

Do Give:
* Flowers with a gift. (a jewelry box or a book on her favorite hobby)
* A weekend away at a bed and breakfast. Don't forget to bring the candles and massage oil!
* Medium priced jewelry - a gold heart, a Tiffany bracelet- women love the little blue box! ($100- $150 range)
* Something you can do together- rollerblades, a tennis racquet, boot warmers for her ski boots!
* A gift certificate to her favorite store. Make sure it's over $100!

Dating exclusively for over a year:

Do Give: * An engagement ring!

Don't Give: * Nothing will do unless it's the ring!

Q:  I am a very busy person, so time is precious. When I first go out with a person, I never have an idea where it may lead or if it may lead anywhere at all. How do you decide to date further or move on to someone else? Sometimes, I find myself being too picky or not discerning enough?

A:  Dating when you are a very busy person can be very challenging.  My advise to you is for you to consider asking yourself these important relationship questions:
1. What do you judge a first date on? Among the many things we look for, there are really only 3 things that you may evaluate someone on a first date:

a. Do I feel comfortable with the person?
b. Am I attracted to this person?
c. Does the conversation flow easily?

That's it! If you answered yes to all three, I suggest you go out another time. There is so much to learn. Also, someone may not be at their best or be very nervous on a first date. So give that person a second date unless there was no attraction whatsoever.

2. How do you know it is time to leave a relationship and move on?

a. You are not getting what you need: If you feel needy and there is something missing then that's a sign that something is not working for you. Can you put your finger on it?

For instance, a client desired that the guy she was dating would show that he was thinking of her during his work week by contacting her by either an email or a phone call and that this contact wasn't only related to setting up the date for the weekend. She felt that this should come naturally to him and would demonstrate to her that the relationship was progressing forward. Since he never was able to give her what she needed, she wasn't able to feel connected to him and they stopped dating.

b. Personal boundaries have been ignored. Here are some examples of some personal boundaries that may get overstepped:

-- He gets too physical too early

-- She wants to get involved with your kids right away.

-- He wants to see you everyday!

This is the place to pay attention if something feels uncomfortable to you. Try and get a sense of your personal boundaries and stick to them!

-- You find you have different reasons for dating and your life goals are different. For example:

-- You want marriage and he doesn't

-- He wants a family and you don't

-- She is open to adoption and he isn't

-- You live in different cities and neither is willing to move.

c.There is a non-negotiable or "must have" that you can't live with. For instance, he wants a clean, neat house and you are comfortable in a house full of clutter. She drinks quite a lot and you don't drink at all. Here you see the writing on the wall. . .that it is impossible for you to be happy together for the long haul!

It's important to know your top "must haves" for a relationship. This helps you screen out inappropriate dates early on while dating.

d. Your key relationship values are not aligned. You value kindness and generosity, and you find your date is stingy and cheap. Or, you value open and honest communication and your partner keeps things from you and can't communicate openly. It is critical that you share your core values with your life partner.

e. Respect has been lost or never was there: Here are some examples of disrespectful behavior:

-- She criticizes you

-- He screams obscenities at you

-- A woman harps on a man because he is not working. One client had an issue with a man who didn't have any retirement savings and down deep felt he was irresponsible. Although he was a very nice person, his relationship did not last because she did not respect him.

3. Think about what doesn't feel right to you in the relationship?

a. Love may not be expressed in a way that you need. For example, you enjoy public displays of affection and they guy is just doesn't do PDA!

b. He wants to spend all his free time with you and you enjoy spending time with your friends as well.

c. She really doesn't want to hang out with your kids.

Be willing to express what you need and want from the other person. Many are afraid to ask for what you need in a relationship and just leave. They don't give their date a chance to step up to the plate and honor their request.

4. Make some decisions on how long is it acceptable for you:

a. To date someone before expecting to be exclusive?

b. To consider living together or not?

c. To be in a relationship exclusively before expecting a more serious commitment or engagement?

Be careful not to get stuck in an "almost" relationships. They are almost right, but not quite. These relationships are dangerous because they can fritter away years before you decide that this person is not good for you for the long haul. Pay close attention to what doesn't mesh for you in your relationship.

Of course, no relationship is perfect. They all take some work and compromise. If you feel like you need something from the relationship, then I encourage you to discuss it with your partner. How he or she listens and responds back to you will demonstrate whether the two of you can work together in support of each other's happiness. It's important not to compromise on what is most important to you. If you can't satisfy each other's needs and desires, then it probably time to move on to someone who can!

Q:  I would like to improve my dating experiences.  I tend to always pick the wrong people to date.  Is there something I can do to improve my dating experiences? 
A:  Dating can be a very frustrating experience. I'd like to share with you some dating advice for men and women that could jumpstart your next date!

Don't you wish you could go onto your favorite online dating website and punch in all the characteristics and qualities of your ideal mate and then, abracadabra that person appears custom made for you?

If you are smart and focused, dreams can come true. First, you need to figure out the information that you would need to input into that computer.

1. You must be honest with yourself and know yourself well.

Consider what your values are while you sit in a nice, quiet place. Values are what you treasure – they are the things that are really important to you. Reflect upon your peak experiences in your life. What made them peak experiences? For example, I love skiing where I am enjoying the beautiful pristine nature and having the feeling of flying down the slopes. My values here are nature and the feeling of freedom.

Another peak experience is giving my husband his recent birthday party. I sent out festive invitations, picked a fabulous restaurant, all our close friends were with us, and my husband was thrilled. The party was a hit! From this, you can see my values are accomplishing something out of the ordinary, being with our close friends and my husband's happiness.

To know yourself well, you also need to get a firm handle of what goals you have in life. What do you want to accomplish in the next year? The next three years? What's your 10 year plan? If you had all the money in the world and nothing to stop you (i.e., any family obligations you may currently have), what would you want to do? What's your top 20 list of the things you would like to do most in the next 10 years?

Why consider all these relationship questions? The reason this is important, is that you want to choose to date people who have similar values as yourself. Also, if you have a life goal that is in conflict with the person that you are dating, this may be a deal breaker. For instance, one of my clients loved the New York area and wanted to live there. The woman he met through an online dating website lived in the Boston area and wanted to remain there with her family and friends. Although there was an attraction, the relationship did not work out because they had different goals on where they wanted to live. The worst situation is to be dating a person for a couple of months before discovering that your goals are totally opposite. For instance, a big dividing point in dating is whether or not you want children. This is a common relationship issue among those who are in the single parent dating category. I had a client who desperately wanted children and dated a guy for several months before finding out he was adamant against having any more children. He was divorced with two children. He didn't want anymore responsibility. She had already fallen in love with him. It was a difficult choice for her, but she had to break up because she knew her goal was to have her own family.

2. Know what your true "must haves" are for a relationship.

Make a list of the things you must have in a relationship. It's okay if your list is 5 items long or 30. It's your list. It may be wise to question whether your non-negotiable is truly non-negotiable or just a want or desire. For instance, some of my "must haves" for a partner were he had to be a non-smoker, had to like (love?) cats, had to be the same religion as I, to have no addictions (alcohol or drugs), and have a steady job and is financially responsible and would support me in my endeavors. Some of my desires were, it would be great if he played tennis, enjoy cultural activities, likes the beach and lived in the DC area. However, I could compromise and live without the last group or find other people to enjoy these things with.

By knowing your "must haves", you will be able to skip over dating people who do not meet your real needs. This will save you time and heartache in the long run.

3. Choose wisely the people you date

Based upon the above knowledge you have gained about your value, needs and wants, it best serves you to decide carefully to choose with whom you spend your time. It is also important to be open to date people who seem like they would be a good match who may not totally "wow" you at first. Some relationships are like smoldering fires and they grow hotter and brighter with time. In contrast, those relationships that are like bonfires at first, may be based on lust and don't usually last very long.

Actually, there have been studies that have shown that women on their first date with a guy may not have been crazy about their dates, but for some reason decided to give the guy a second chance. Many of these women did actually marry the guy!*

Do pay attention to your internal warning signal or your whacko alarm! If something doesn't seem right when talking to the person over the phone, or by your email interactions, then don't pursue it. Your instincts are usually on target.

When you meet someone where your values mesh, then there is a feeling of familiarity. It feels comfortable and you find that you understand each other well. Then add on the same life goals, and shazam! The relationship will just click. It's that simple. Don't waste your time with cute, but inappropriate people unless your time is of little value to you. Choose your dates wisely, and you will have a more enjoyable and hopefully successful dating experience.

4. Be the most attractive you!

Next we're going to talk about your image. Your image matters. According to my research, sloppiness and poor grooming are the top dating turnoffs. Therefore, it is important to make yourself the most attractive person that you can. No matter what you have to work with, one may be able improve with regards to hair, grooming, clothes and weight. Actually, several of my heavy clients that have gotten married. They are able to carry their weight, they have beautiful faces and dress to make the most of their shape. Here are my suggestions:

- Exercise and workout several times a week. Use a trainer if you need discipline or find a workout buddy.
- If weight is an issue for you, then find a diet or a diet program that is easy for you to stick to. You may want to consult a nutritionist.
- Get a makeover! Hair and makeup for women and hair and grooming for men. Find your own Fab-Five!
- Have your wardrobe reviewed by a friend with good taste or a wardrobe consultant. Women, you don't want to look too frumpy or too trampy. Strive for simple elegance. Some dating advice for women is to remember, a man wants someone they feel comfortable bringing home to meet Mom. Men, you just need to look neat, be well-groomed and dressed in something nicer than a rumpled tee-shirt and jeans!

5. Keep your relationship expectations realistic!

Nothing will scare someone off faster than to start talking about weddings and family stuff too soon! However, don't be afraid to communicate what you are looking for in generalities. For instance you may say, "I'm looking for a relationship that will lead to marriage." If that statement scares away your date, then, so be it! The right person will say, "I want this for myself too and I am looking forward to getting to know you better". The only expectation placed on the relationship is the one of getting to know one another better.

It's better to have a pleasant surprise of everything working out than to be disappointed by out of proportion expectations.

If you implement these five steps, you will see an improvement in your dating experience. At least, you will be pointing yourself in the right direction. Remember, no matter how frustrating dating may seem, it is important to keep a positive attitude about both yourself and dating.

Happy dating!

Please let me know if you have any dating and relationship questions you would like advice on.  Of course, I will keep your name confidential.  If you have questions, others surely have the same questions too! -- Coach Amy